A Love Story: God

"In your ocean, I'm ankle deep, I feel the waves crashin' on my feet. It's like I know where I need to be, But I can't figure out just how much air I will need to breathe when your tide rushes over me. There's only one way to figure out, Will ya let me drown? Hey now, this is my desire, Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful to touch me, I know that I'm in reach 'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful. And the water is risin' quick, and for years I was scared of it. We can't be sure when it will subside, so I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side."  -Needtobreathe-

I have gotten out of the boat and am walking on the water where my God has called me to be. In complete faith, totally dependent, utterly lost in Him, and I have obeyed. I left my boat near the shore trapped in the Rocks of confusion and grief, and I left it behind as Christ beckoned me onto the water and we walked out to the horizon.
I cannot see the shore,
I cannot remember the feeling of the oars and their weight as I lifted and dipped and lifted again.
I cannot remember the sand or the way I felt trapped between the jagged spokes of stone,
but this wandering in the ocean, like wandering in the desert, it's endless and I know not where I go.

I hear the voice of my God telling me to go every which way and sometimes I find a sandbar to rest on, or a friend to talk with, but mainly I am by myself with only my God and I wonder, will I always be alone, wandering on the ocean's beautiful blue surface forever?
I wanted faith like a mustard seed,
I wanted to be lost in my God so deeply that I would find His glory and wonders,
I wanted to find His blessings,
I wanted to be a blessing to others,
I wanted to "set the world on fire",
I wanted to spread the word,
I wanted to feel joy and peace and growth in my heart.
I wanted...

I remember my God promising to bless me.
I remember asking Him to expand me and my boarders,
I remember the requests and the answers and the trials to get me to where I needed to be.
I remember feeling like I was going to soar over the whole earth.
And I remember feeling this lost in each trial I suffered before this, but this feels bigger somehow. Perhaps He is purging what He needs to from my life and heart, perhaps He is seeing how long I can wander before I take hold of His hand and ask Him to carry me,
maybe,
just maybe,
I am being stubborn...

"My God is not slow in keeping His promises as some understand slowness- He is patient with me."

He is patient with... me.
He knows me,
So then why is my heart so broken and aching? What is He asking me to do?
... whatever it is, it feels impossible and overwhelming. But I can't hear.

I can see the deep blue waters turn clear over my toes and I think for a second about releasing this faith, of slipping beneath the waters, sailing to a far away land or running to a distant sea and relinquishing all of my belief, all of my standards, all of what I've always known... for just a second... I wonder if He would chase after me still...
                ....then in my heart I hear Him. He is calling to me. Stirring within me in a place I didn't even know was there.
He knows.  
"Be Still..."

He knows the ache.
He senses the bitterness forming from the pain.
He breathes His warm love into my frigid heart.
I begin to cry as the hurt of knowing that I had ignored my God and gone down the path He warned me of time and again was the cause of all of this torment within me. The wounds to my heart and the ache within me could have been avoided....The salty tears add to the ocean I am roaming and as my knees begin to tremble and buckle from the ache in my heart over the breaking, shattering, shame and pain, I'm becoming heavy on the surface and the water is rising, the tides are rushing over me, overwhelming me with each crash. He gathers me up in His strong arms and begins to carry me. As He walks my feet swinging, dripping with the salty water, my arms wrapped around His neck as I sob salty tears into His strong shoulders, He comforts my hurt and tells me He can't release me from it and hugs me tighter. It is almost time, He will fulfill His promise to me but I chose to ignore His words before and I begin to cry harder knowing I HAVE to pay attention this time. He lets me ache and cry a while, and then His almost inaudible whisper that is peace in my heart and is at the same time thunder quaking through my bones and somewhere into creation, and IS God...THAT sound that has raptured my heart tells me it is time for me to let go of my ache and hurt.

My sobbing subsides and I listen closely as He tells me what I must do.
I listen closely, I hear it all... every word and I remember...
It is not overwhelming. It seems a big task to simply walk in Faith, to trust completely...

I start out on the ocean surface again... This time rejoicing that I am alone with my God.

"In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus

When I am alone, give me Jesus

When I come to die, give me Jesus You can have all this world, But give me Jesus"

I am alone with my God. I am blessed.

I continue walking atop the vast stretch of beautiful blue tides
waiting...

A New Year, a New Road

"We live and we learn to take, One step at a time, There's no need to rush, It's like learning to fly, Or falling in love, It's gonna happen when it's, Supposed to happen and we, Find the reasons why, One step at a time"

-Jordin Sparks-

I think too often we look at the beginning of a journey and never see the full potential of all it holds. I began this year with a lot of insecurity and fear of what was to come. It started with a lot of hardship and difficulty. I think we trip up and think God is asking us to overcome some massive test and we don't see that perhaps He simply wants to see if we'll stand back up.


I stood back up.

I remember thinking, with a friend, "Life is not supposed to be this hard!!!!" and "I signed up for an AWESOME 2010!!!! WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!?" I was frustrated and exhausted and life was beating me down with that frustration. I also remember praying as I was driving down the freeway one rainy Portland day I had tears pouring down my face, water pouring down my wind shield, and I was SHOUTING at God. I was begging, pleading, asking and screaming for SOMETHING.... anything.... I was tired of not being who I felt I was called to be, the woman I was called to be or the Christian woman I was called to be. I was tired of not being the adult I thought I was supposed to be. I was tired of not having the promises He had made me. I was tired of not having a job. I was tired of not having my friends. I was tired of not having the life I dreamed of. And I was tired of being tired!!!!! As the tears continued pouring down my face, and the water continued pouring down my windshield, screams in my throat and anger in my heart I made a turn in the freeway and there in front of me was the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen. Brilliant, Vibrant colors and the clarity was unreal. I felt this sudden peace, and this still small voice whispered to my heart, "I promise..." Ok, I thought.... ok. And then and there things turned around. I met some amazing people and made some amazing friends - I was so blessed! God is so good! He has filled my year and left is over flowing with amazing blessings I never could have imagined.


It amazes me that God will bless you if you simply ask and He will do so abundantly!!!! I am SOOOO excited for what He began in 2010 and all that He will bring to completion in 2011 and on into the rest of my life!!! I am a stubborn woman- anyone will confirm that. But I am always content to yield to the lessons of my God. The lessons He taught me this year:

Dance in the rain.
If you fall down - get back up.
Enjoy the journey.
Friends are important... make sure you tell them.
Laughter is abundant- always laugh!!! Even if only at yourself.
Serve each other.
Possession should never apply to people.
Never make anyone a priority if they consider you an option
Broken hearts are harder to fix than skinned knees... though those hurt too...
Enjoy the precious moments shared with Him in the silence
Firsts are exciting and should be thoroughly enjoyed!!!
Share your life
Intentions are worthless- you can have a heart of gold but so does a hard boiled egg
Be excited- someone has to be
Patience is indeed a virtue
You are only as big as the thing that makes you angry
Each dream is specifically matched with a Dreamer- never give up on that gift
You should find that one thing that makes your heart soar
Touching another human heart, and truly touching it is the greatest thing you can do
Love always 
Give fervently of yourself
Serve others- even when you're not sure how
Listen to your heart- it will guide you when your mind gives up
You have to put up with a little rain to get the rainbow
Asking advise is not a sign of weakness- but rather strength
Bless someone else each day- it may be your last chance
Don't be a guinea fowl!!!!
Never forget that though you are injured you are not slain, so you may lay down to rest and bleed a while but then you must rise to fight for the battle is forming around you yet again and you must stand with those ready to defend you in it.


I think too often, we stare down this long road stretching for forever seeing all the twists and turns and perhaps only a fraction of the journey and we fear even beginning because we have already tripped and fallen, we don't see that God has a different form of transportation waiting provided we simply get back up.

This year has shed light on a woman I didn't know I had within me and changed my perspective on many things including who I want to be and who I can change myself into. An Ezer, a woman of strength- not a strong woman. I want to continue being a woman after God's own heart and continue cultivating that relationship I have with Him. I have watched with wide eyes as God has taken something completely messy and turned it into an amazing and wonderful new thing full of promise and beauty.

In early December I dared to pray a prayer that surely will test me and bring out in me the most that I can ever hope to be and bring out the true strengths in my life. The prayer of Jabez (slightly altered):

"Oh God, I pray you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, Open wide my horizons to share your name! Let your hand be with me, Keep Satan far from my door and keep me from harm that I may be free from pain".

God has promised me many things, one thing imparticular that aches deep in the depths of my heart and calls to me night and day reminding me that it is unfulfilled. And as this new year unfolds, I know that God will make a way and bring to fruition all His good and perfect ways before me as I walk this narrow way. I have been blessed and as I etch into the marble walls of my heart the blessings of the fading year, I begin again to record the blessings that begin to rain down on His humble servant.The beginning of a journey is never the part we need to worry about, starting is not the hard part... staying the path, not turning around, not running away, doing as God has asked you to do and serving when you'd rather do anything else on earth. You were called to a great purpose, that purpose carries its own pathway and though roads may intersect or entertwine, you are your own, you and God alone know your journey and your story is what makes you who you are. God is writing an amazing novel of your life from all you do- can you imagine those who will want to read it when you're finished? Go out and do an amazing work, for God is with you and none can stand against you.

May God bless your year and may you never be far from the shadow of His wings.

"We live and we learn to take, One step at a time, There's no need to rush, It's like learning to fly, Or falling in love, It's gonna happen when it's, Supposed to happen and we, Find the reasons why, One step at a time"

-Jordin Sparks-

.Live.

"School's a weird thing, I'm not sure it works." -Johnny Depp-

I can honestly say that it works indeed. I cannot say that I learned what A+B really equals, Nor can I say that I now know all that falls between Plato and NATO, but I can say that I have learned much, it may not be completely academic, but I feel it was more important. I learned how to Live and how to Thrive.

August 19th, 2005 I made my way to a small campus on the corner of 91st and Burnside in Portland Oregon, my new college, my new home for the next 4 years. I was excited and thrilled to be leaving my house and to have to myself the small 2 1/2 acre piece of property to share with all my soon to be friends. I was thrilled. I couldn't wait to get out of the truck and move in and as they had said, blossom into the young Christian Woman they would encourage me to be. I was soooo excited. God is good; he brought me to this amazing place!!!

I can't afford books... what will I do???? Megan started dating Steve... this is so weird and awkward and my little heart is broken, how will I get through this?!?!?!? I don't know if I can stand another random scent coming from our hallway!!!! Lambdas or Deltas????

Lord give me strength…
“The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still” Exodus 14:14

“Education is only the ladder to gather fruit from the tree of knowledge – not the fruit itself.”
–unknown-

August 16th, 2006 I just finalized everything to live off campus. It’s the only way I can keep going to school. It saves me $6,000 per year. It breaks my heart, but the Thomas' have been kind enough to let me live at their house and keep going to school. I have a room that's all mine and I am so excited!!! Shawn Jones is so amazing!!! He should have put me on Academic Probation (that goes on your permanent record) and suspended me because my cumulative GPA from last year was a whopping 1.02 but instead, he gave me a second chance... I am on academic alert; I have to raise my GPA to a 2.0 by semester. Bonnie, his assistant offered to help me... rather told me she was helping me make a calendar to make sure I knew when my due dates were and she would keep me accountable to it. Its a little nerve racking, but I'm up for the challenge. I had a busy summer and this year is going to be amazing. The freshmen are already here and headed to the coast... I am so ready to be back on this campus!!! God has been good!!!!

I failed Math again?!?!?!? I need another loan?!?!?!? Is forgiveness really possible?!?!?

Lord give me strength...
“If anyone speaks let him speak as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves let him serve through the strength God provides; that in all things God may be glorified through Christ Jesus. To Him be the glory and power forever and ever Amen.” 1 Peter 4:11

“ Some need a second chance, and we're going to give them that second chance.” -Collin Powell-

January 8, 2007 We just got back and I went to see Shawn to make sure I was on target. I'm not. He was impressed that my term GPA was a 3.0, but my cumulative GPA is a 1.854 so he will let me continue raising it through this semester, my goal is to not go backwards. I need to remember this gift. Bonnie is still gonna help me make more calendars for this semester so I can keep up like I am. God is good.

All my friends graduated!!! I need to take two summer classes to stay caught up!!! Where am I going to get the money!?!?!??! I need a job!!!!

Lord give me strength....
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

“We learn not in the school, but in life” -Seneca-

August 17th, 2007 After two summer classes and a new job I am set to begin another year. I'm helping with Freshman Orientation this year and I can't wait for the freshmen to show up. This is going to be a great year!!! I am a Junior and life continues to be great!!! I'm done with Math and I am set for another year... I can't believe I've already been here 2 years.... By God's grace and Bonnie's help...God has been good to me!!!!

Megan's graduating!!!! Cascade People are quitting and moving on... I didn't know they did that!!!! I'm worried about next year!!! I need to take two summer classes again!!!!

Lord give me strength....
“Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58

“God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight.” -Reggie White-

August 25, 2008 This is weird, we're starting a week later than normal. But it’s ok. Brian and I talked about graduation, I'm almost done... how sad? He said I could come back and keep helping with Freshman O... It'll be great!!!! I love this time of year everything so fresh and new!!! Life is fantastic!!! God has been so good!!!! I have missed everyone so much!!!

I have to order more books. I need to find a good friend this year. What job will I get to follow up my degree? Do I need to move out after I graduate?

Lord give me strength….
“As water reflects a face, so a Man’s heart reflects the man.” Proverbs 27:19

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” -Abraham Lincoln-

October 27, 2008 We were called to an emergency meeting to the Rehearsal Hall... we're all wondering who died then they announced today that Cascade College is closing its doors come May 1, 2009. Cascade died.... This spring. Bill Goad tells us of Hezekiah and how he was given 15 more years of life after he asked it of God. Like us, we were given 15 more years of life by OC. It was a hard decision and come spring our doors will shut. There is a lot of crying and moaning and booing. I didn't know what to do or where to go... Classes are cancelled and people are lamenting all over campus...

This is the last graduation. How can this happen!?!?!??! This is my home!!! Look at all the tears!!!! What will I do? What about the faculty and staff??? What about the students???? This can't happen!!! GOD WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!?!?

"Go and say to Hezekiah, 'Thus says the LORD, the God of your father David, "I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; behold, I will add fifteen years to your life.” Isaiah 38:5

“I used to believe that if you hugged a bad person you could hug all the bad out of them. Now I wonder if you hug someone who’s heartbroken if you could hug all the sad out of them too.” -Jack Helton-

December 12, 2009 Its Christmas Break and we're all praying for a Christmas Miracle. We need a lot of money!!! Will God remember Cascade this holiday season???

January 12, 2009 School picks up again today and there was no Christmas miracle... what is going to happen??? This last semester is going to happen so fast!!! What will I do? What will we do?

Lord give us Strength to bear this loss....
“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go , and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I promised you.” Genesis 28:15

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.” -Unknown-

May 2, 2009 I haven’t gone 1 chapel without crying this semester as Bill Goad and others have told us to "Finish Strong". I have cried as we watch people get jobs out of state. I cried as OC came to speak to us, I cried as students left at semester, I cried as we began packing things up that we didn't need and I cried as chapel memories were shared. As alumni came and spoke, as historic figures of Columbia and Cascade came and shared their words of wisdom and their stories of Cascade and the things they saw here. The ways in which they saw God giving to this place. The ways God touched this campus.
Today is graduation and I want to cry but everyone is counting on me keeping these eyes dry. The ceremony went fine for the most part. Then Brian got up to speak as thunder began rolling across the sky. Tandy just told us how appropriate it is that he and Brian were the last speakers at Graduation because they were the first two to sign a contract to Cascade when it first opened. Brian first then Tandy.
"I have nothing to say to you." Brian began as the thunder hummed behind his words' "I have nothing to say that you will remember, but remember what you have seen here and what you have gained here. All I have to give you is my life as an example. We all gave you our lives. We took precious time away from our families because we believed in this place and we believed in you. Live a life worthy of that. Live a life worthy of Cascade. None of my words are going to emphasize that more and there are no words I could say that would sum up what we have done here in the last 15 years. Go, and live a life worthy of this place and these people."
Thunder ripped through the sky as hail poured down on top of our little patch of heaven on 91st and Burnside. Some said it was condemning OC for closing Cascade, some said it was God's Amen to Brian's speech. I think for so long this place has been the shadow beneath God's wings that perhaps it was God saying good bye to this small place. And like many said, one day we will all meet up in the Northwest Corner of heaven.

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:14-21



God has been good to me. In February Paul, Bonnie's husband told me that he couldn't help but think that Cascade stayed open to serve me. I asked him why he thought that, he said that of all the students he's seen, they all could have thrived without this place, they can all move on, but me, I needed Bonnie, I needed the close intimate space of Cascade, I needed this place as it was. I wouldn't have survived without Bonnie or anywhere else with anyone else other than the teachers, faculty and staff here at Cascade. Those words made me cry. Perhaps they are true, perhaps they are not.

At our Blessing and Challenge Chapel given to the students by the faculty and staff June Breninger charged us to LIVE!!!!! Life is a journey, many dreams will never be actualized and many things will not come to bear in our lives as we would like them, but its part of the journey... so GO OUT THERE AND LIVE!!!!!!!!! (I love her...lololol)

So in the words of so many faculty and staff at Cascade:
LIVE!!!! Live a life worthy of the blessing you have received. You were given SOMETHING... a mentor, a home, a life, a small school on the corner of 91st and Burnside for 4 years in the Northwest Corner of Heaven and you have gained something from that blessing. You have been given a gift and your "Thank You" is to live worthy of that gift. To live in such a way that you never look back and say, what a shame, that others never look at what they gave you and think about what went wrong and how they failed. Cascade was not a failure, if anything it was a success, it succeeded 5 years longer than it was supposed to. Nothing is coincidence, nothing is happenstance, NOTHING is mistake. God is purposeful. Be purposeful as God is. Live well. Live life as a journey to be explored and enjoyed not looked back on and regretted.
I regret nothing about my time at Cascade. Yes, I could have studied more but I then would have missed out on a moment I shared with someone in some random place I never would have been in. I am blessed. I received the immense glorious blessing of getting to know an incredible group of Men and Women who not only taught me about history, math, English, communication, the Bible, or photography, but also about God and life and who I am as a wonderfully and fearfully made creation of God. I learned who I am as friend, as a woman of God, I learned who I was as a student and a daughter and a sister and a spectator and participant in a world of people who go too fast in life to see the simple things God has given us.
LIVE. God is good. If I have been taught anything it is to live. God takes care of the details. Each year I had fears and qualms and worries about what was coming, what had fallen in my lap and God took care of it all. He found me money for college, he found me housing and books and people and classes and friends and all the amazing things only He can provide us when we look to him and ask for help.
So, go out and thrive, you may not have gone to Cascade, you may not even know what Cascade is, but Thrive as those around you deserve. Thrive in such a brilliant way that it can’t help but be interpreted as a Thank You to those people. Live in such a way, worthy of the life God has given you. Be a tool for Him and a blessing to those around you.
God is good and He will give you strength to bear what you do not think you can.

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.” -Johnny Depp-

.Faith.

"When you come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly"
-Patrick Overton-


Doubt. Unsure. questioning. avoidance. fear. mistrust. suspicion. guilt. shame. sadness. discouragement. pain. hurt.

All things we're taught not to entertain when in reference to God. However, tonight as I sat listening to my fellow students talk and discuss I heard one of the most incredible thoughts I have ever heard vocalized. If as a Christian, we are in that rut, that shallow end of the valley and we are doubting and questioning God and His existence and what it is that He has planned for the mess we're in, its not a bad thing. To question God and have doubts about whether He's still in His right mind or not is not a slam on Him, doing that and still being faithful, going to church, attending devo, fellow shipping with your brothers and sisters, that shows true Faith. Being unsure and still following, stepping off the edge, going that extra step, that's real Faith.

"When the solution is simple, God is answering."
- Albert Einstein-

I was in a rut, a big rut. I didn't know if I was going to fully escape it, I just knew I didn't want Satan to have a foot hold in my life or on my faith and it scared more than anything to be in that rut. It felt like I had fallen in a hole and was never going to escape, a dark deep hole, like a well. And I kept going to church hoping something would be said of my rut, that God would speak through my minister or my teachers in class. I'd go to devo hoping God would help my peers to speak the words I needed to hear. Time after time, I'd listen to song after song waiting for the words that would make it all click back into place. I did service, hoping that perhaps that witnessing something I needed to see would help my rut vanish. I
read books, spent time in my prayer journal and talked with God about it and still my rut remained. Until last night when a person I would have never imagined shared how he was doubting God and he had called a friend and heard those words from him.
"That's Faith. True Faith. Doubting and Questioning and still going the distance, that's Faith as it was always intended to be."
The church, perhaps, has taught us its bad to doubt and question and we should be ashamed to do so. And we feel guilty and we don't talk about it, and That I believe, is where Satan's foot hold is. In the guilt and the shame. In that place where you're afraid to talk to someone else about it and in that you are alone and you fall away thinking you are the only one who feels this way.

"Faith is confirmed by the heart, confessed by the tongue,, and acted upon by the body."
-Unknown-

As I look back, I don't think it was a rut as most people would describe it, it was more of a questioning and a time of frustration with God. But what an awesome God we have that we can question and doubt and get frustrated and at the end of the day come back and be welcomed back with open arms, where He is waiting for us with Mercy, where He wipes away and banishes all shame and guilt and simply says, "Welcome Home, my Child"

"As Children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God because he was my friend,
But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help, with ways that were my own
At last I snatched them back and cried
"How can you be so slow?"
"My Child," He said, "What I do?
You never did let go."
-Unknown-

Keep the faith, and most importantly........Let Go and Let God.

.Life.

"If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed." -Chris McCandless-

We wander this life going to and fro and worrying constantly about who is looking and what they will say. Life is not about impressing each other. Its not about the cars and the money and the STUFF. the STUFF is the monotony, the daily things you deal with, the problems that arise, all of that is STUFF, LIFE is about living to the best you possibly can to the glory of God in all you have within you. Your desire to passionately love Him with all you have and all you can give, not because He needs it, but because you can't live another day without sharing it with Him. The experiences and the life and the wonderment you have with it all. Its all encompassing and so worth every moment you give Him and you live for the next moment you get to tell Him about, the next moment you get to share. LIFE is so full of spontaneous randomness and people to love and share with and it is only as rich as you make it to be. It can be endless, memorable, full of experiences you could not ever live without having done, people you could not have ever imagined not meeting and happiness's you could have ever imagined not sharing.

"Happiness is only real when Shared" -Chris McCandless-

You have won the lottery. You are the 1% of the 1% of humanity who does not worry about where food will come from, if you will find clean drinking water tomorrow, if your clothes will withstand another winter. If you will live tomorrow because you have diarrea and the closest doctor is 300 miles away by foot. You cannot fathom true hunger so deep in the pit of your stomach that you don't know if you'll ever fill it. You can walk into any store and see at least one television where the rest of the world may not walk into one CITY and see a television. You are not destitute. hungry. dirty. thirsty. you are not so cold that you are unsure that you will make it through the night without freezing to death or so hot that you don't know if you will cook alive beneath the scorching sun. You do not have to run for safety beneath the cover of darkness to make sure you are not captured by rebels. You do not fear death by random disease because you have access to a doctor 10-20 minutes driving time. Nor are you afraid of orphaning your children because you have AIDS. You are not the other 99% of the population on this earth. You are blessed immeasurably.

You have that world at you fingertips, the touch of button. You can find out about flash floods in Japan. The starvation in Kenya. Children Soldiers in Uganda. The AIDS epidemic in Africa. The War in Iraq. And yet as you look things up on your computer in your safe house, your children safely playing outside in the yard, you say "how sad" and read over the facts, 2,400 lost; 45,000 dead; 20 million starving, 4 million without clean water, the list goes on.... and as you read the buzzer to the oven goes off, letting you know that your casserole is finished, you leave your reading to wash your hands beneath the 2 gallons of water that will rush from your faucet and down your drain to the sewers and you prepare your meal for your family. You all will take your vitamins and you will make sure you have taken your antibiotic for pink eye you had contracted from the lake last weekend. Perhaps later you'll write a check for $100 or so to the relief effort that some random organization is doing in those parts of the world you read about and then you can check that off your list for the day of good things you did in the world. You will tuck your kids in bed, lock up your house, snuggle into bed and your biggest fear for now is, 'what will I wear tomorrow?'

"When you love, God's light shines upon you." -Ron Franz-

To freely give and open your heart to immeasurable things you can do for others and experience for yourself is indescribable. We are surrounded these days by people asking us to go into the wild of Africa and tame it, To go into Japan and rescue it, To go to Iraq and calm it, to preach, to teach, to love, to encompass, to give new hope and compassion to the people who suffer being the 99%. Who are we? That we think ourselves so arrogant so as to ignore these requests? People are killing people, Canons echo from history where people were unsettled and rising up from their chairs to subdue the "enemy" in a fight they thought they were helping for the justice for the land and now gunfire fire echoes in the winds of Africa and Iraq because this world isn't "fair".

"I believe the world is what we make it, it can be a place where fair is the bottom line, where idealism for living can exist and righteousness rewarded, not taken advantage of." -Ellie Arroway-

Who are we to think that we deserve so much more than others, did you know that if America wanted to, we could feed the entire world on a 5 course meal daily. But we don't, nor do we answer the request to go out and feed those who are starving and dying. We don't go and care for the lost and sick, the destitute because we are the 1%, we won the lottery of life.

Who are we???

A great man once said, "On a head stone, there engraved one day, will be your name and maybe a cute little quote, but then beneath that will be the month, day and year you were born and a dash and then the month, day and year you died. That dash will symbolize your life, what you did, who you became and what you chose to honor God with. That dash is your life, head stones don't have room for excuses: "There wasn't enough time", "I got busy", "I meant to...", "I just needed to have things in order first"... Head stones only have room for life, what you did and who you were. What will people see in that dash? What will they remember?" -Willie Steele-

"Goodness is love in action, love with its hand at the plow, love with the burden on its back, love following his footsteps who went about continually doing good." -James Hamilton-

I am surrounded by great people. I know three incredible men that went into Africa to serve at an orphanage for a summer during their college career. I know two women and one man fresh out of college teaching the gospel to the masses in China where it is forbidden. I know a woman, one of my best friends, serving in Africa with the Peace Corps. I know four women and three men teaching the gospel and English in Germany. I know 4 men and 4 women serving in Africa teaching the masses the gospel and how to read and write. I know one man and one woman going to an orphanage in Africa and raising funds to have a bigger building built to house all the children and to keep them safe from danger. I know a couple who travel to Japan yearly to teach English there and spread the gospel. I know three women who live and work in Japan at an orphanage teaching the children to read and write and about Christ. I know one man who lived and died with the passion in his heart of the work in Korea. I know another man who died with the passion of the work being done in Africa. I know people who long in their hearts to return to places like Haiti, China, South America, Ecuador, Japan, Germany, Prague, Iraq, ran, Palestine, Jerusalem, Kenya, Korea.... I know people who are doing the work of the Lord at the Portland Mission, who serve, giving food out of the pantry at Metro Church of Christ, who serve at the women abuse shelter- Shepherd's Door, Men and Women who are working in places like Hope Rising Adoption Center where children are given to Christian families, Hope House - where teens can go and learn to reintegrate with their families and work in that environment, Men and Women who see people standing on street corners and go buy an extra taco to give away to them. I am surrounded by the blessing of God to the other 99% of the world.

"You are my Witnesses" -Isaiah 43:10-

In the 1940's the world suffered a huge loss as an entire generation of 90 years was wiped out in two days. The Holocaust. Hitler bore beneath him an ideal of what a person should be like and he tried to clean the world of all imperfections, a mass purge. In that generation could have been all sorts of people, a Doctor to find the cure for cancer, an idealist to argue for the solution to world hunger, A lawyer, a Judge, a Mayor, a mother, a father, but alas they are gone. None the less the world said and did nothing because, "surely someone else will take care of it". No one else will do your job near as well as you could ever do it. The suffering may not be as great as that of the people who died by the hellfire in the Holocaust, but people are suffering because you standing by, watching, doing nothing. Reaching out and touching them, fulfilling their life is the best gift God gave you to give to someone else.

We ask "Where is God"? when we see the headlines bringing the news of the next flash flood, starvation, destitution and hunger. But I ask, "Where are you?", God asks, "Where are you?" He gave you the Privilege of being the 1% in a world filled with 99%, He wants YOU, the 1% to go help find and rescue the 99%. He blessed YOU, He gave you the best possible gift to give to the rest of humanity. What are you doing with it? Saving it for a rainy day? Holding onto it for "next time"?

I sit in pondering thought going over and over in my mind how one man can do such amazing things to irreversibly change the course of the future just by what he believed so passionately in. Nate Saint, father to Steve Saint, who went into the jungle of Ecuador and was murdered by the Waodoni. And, yet Steve met with his father's killer, Mincayani and taught him about Jesus and the way to true salvation. Who chose under the belief his father carried not to kill Mincayani for the loss of his father, but rather to love him in spite of that. He loved him and is now helping Mincayani's people, the Waodoni Tribe to learn the glory of God and forgiveness. Christopher McCandless went into the Wild of Alaska to find the glory of God at its truest form. To find that happiness is not in buildings of wood and stone, not in STUFF, but in LIFE. He never returned home to personally share that with his family, but it was shared through his journal and through the people he encountered on his journey. Charlie Wilson who, with the support of those around him, helped end to cold war. Erin Gruwell who saw the need that a classroom full of young adults had and filled that position unwaveringly and through time taught them about the passion they have within themselves to accomplish things beyond their means may allow or their roots may ever have dreamed.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone cans tart today and make a new ending." -Maria Robinson-

I do not condemn you for your actions or lack there of. I do not condemn you for the many times you turned away. I cannot condemn you for your thoughtlessness. I cannot condemn you. It is not my place, it is God's and God's alone to judge you. Just remember that when you get to heaven and you stand before the Lord of all you are and all you have you will have to give an account and what will you tell Him, "I didn't have enough time"? Be bold. Be courageous. Be like Christ and make love a verb.

"If you only do what you know you can do, you never do very much." -Tom Krause-

"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" -Morgan Freeman-

Sieze all God's Limitless opportunities for you in your LIFE day by single day, moment by moment and Share with all who cross your path.

Women

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her" -Unknown-

Oh how I hate those sentences that so often drip from the mouths of women everywhere....

"I'm fat".... "I'm worthless"..... "I'm ugly".... "No one wants me".... "I'm nothing"... "I'm a loser".... "I'm hopeless".... "I'm a mistake"....ect.....

No woman is nothing, all of them are worth far more than they even know. Oh how I hate how our country has made women to be an object, and even the models them selves are not "good enough" to be published. Their pictures after they are taken are digitally altered to make them "more pleasing".... Oh please!!!! More pleasing would be to see a real woman instead of someone that doesn't exist. No wonder there are eating disorders and self image problems we think we are inferior to pictures that hang on bill boards and cover magazines that arn't even pictures of real people...some pieces of those pictures are real...maybe the chin, or the nose....or perhaps an eye, an ear.... maybe the skin tone... but the rest. ALTERED!!!! Why? And what's worse is men don't even know....let alone the women. And they miss out on seeing some of the true gems of the female gender because they're searching for women who don't exist.... like searching for the Holy Grail.
Here's a little good old fashion Research for you....It has been proven that in the end...when they marry...men prefer to marry women who are not skin and bone skinny. It is much harder for a woman who is under weight to find a husband than one who is at their healthy weight limit according to their height or slightly over.
God makes us all perfect in His image. We are the exact picture of who He wants us to be. We are of the height and weight and structure that He designed us for His purposes. Look at Song of Soloman and what he said about his wife!!!


In Song of Soloman Chapter 7:1-6

"How beautiful your sandled feet, O Prince's daughter, Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of the craftman's hands"
Ok, so she has great feet and great legs.... (So exercise and walking is good....)
"Your navel is like a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine. Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies."
So she has an outie and a pot-belly... kewl.... (no need for that new diet)
"Your breasts are like two fawns , twins of a gazelle."
So she's near flat chested.... great...(We can tell everyone they don't need implants)
"Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your eyes are like the pools of Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of lebanon looking toward Damascus."
So she has an uber long neck, great eyes and a freakishly long nose.....ok, ok....(Good-bye plastic surgery!!!)
"Your head crowns you like Mt Carmel. Your hair is like a tapestry; the King is held captive by it's tresses."
She has a big head and nice hair.... (In some other verses he compares her hair to a flock of goats... if you can imagine what that looks like...) (So just make sure I comb my hair... Got it!!!)
"How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O Love, with your delights!"
And Soloman still loves her and calls her beautiful...

All these things we do to ourselves and still, I think Soloman would still fall head over heels for his bride. We freak out over pimples/zits, how big our noses are, how fat our lips are, how proportionate our torso is to our legs, and all that and we're missig the picture completely. Its all an ideal. Hitler had an ideal, Carl Marx, Stalin, but that doesn't mean that the ideal was good either. We looked at what Hitler did and called it insane, unethical, inhumane, murder. We called Marx a communist. What do we call what we are doing to ourselves? How we are distorting ourselves? Can you even see your own heart?

Pierced

"Pierce my ear, O Lord, my God. Take me to Your door this day. I will serve no other god. Lord, I'm here to stay....."


I've been pondering for quite some time about a promise. A covenant. A way of keeping my word to God, my Lord. And I came upon Deuteronomy 15: 16-17 "But if your servant says to you, "I do not want to leave you," because he loves you and your family and is well off with you, then take an awl and push it through his ear lobe into the door, and he will become your servant for life. Do the same for your maidservant." And I found myself desiring to show my servanthood to God. I'm a very sentimental person and so demonstrable actions are what I comprehend best and such...
So there I found myself in the chair of Captin Jack's Peircing and Tatoo Parlor waiting for the piercing to be done with. As I had walked through the door a few minutes before, I questioned what was pushing me through the door, into the parlor, up to the counter, what was possessing my hand to sign the paper stating I was over 18 and handing over a copy of my license. I felt like I wasn't myself, but rather like I was watching myself go through this. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this.
He started piercing my ear and at first it felt like a normal piercing then out of nowhere this incredible pain shot through my ear, into my neck, and into the tips of my fingers. He pulled the awl through and it felt like he was twisting my ear round and round trying to rip it off the side of my head. I felt my chin quiver and yet I didn't cry, he was preparing to push the jewelary through and he stopped to let me breathe a moment and said "I'll leave that there a minute"... I said "That's cool, I'm down with that." and My friend laughed and I laughed, the piercer laughed and my friend said, "Oh my goodness Natasha, I can't believe You're cracking jokes." and we all laughed some more. He pushed the jewelary through and it didn't hurt too badly. He cleaned up my ear and let me sit up. My friend grabbed some IB prophen from my bag so I could get a head start before the pain sunk in from the newly developing swelling. We sat there a bit and I was shaking sooo badly. My friend and I prayed that this would bring glory to God and that He would use me to reach people and now as I had felt that My faith was at a point where I felt I was ready to begin talking to people in a way I hadn't before that my piercing would allow others to see that God is everything to me.
Please, Don't get me wrong, I am in no way trying to draw attention and say that I am above others. That I'm better because I did one of the most painful acts you can physically do to yourself, I am just sharing what has been on my heart. I chose to honor my God in a way I had not seen and in a way that not many people understand because of the kind of person I am. Also people have seen my pictures and asked, this is simply to answer questions as well.
And as for those questions..... No, God no longer requires physical tributes in honor, and No, God does state anything in the new testament about servants piercing their ears, and Yes, the verse I read is indeed in the Old Teastament. And Yes, I did have my ear pierced in the cartilidge instead of the lobe. I already have my lobes pierced and I didn't want to gauge them, and my cartilidge would be a bit more obvious and different.And, as I stated earlier I am a very sentimental person and demonstrable acts are better understood by me, so, I had my ear pierced to have a physical, visual, constant reminder of what I am, who I am and what I stand for and represent. I, in no way see it as vandalizing my temple: 1 Corinthians 6:19 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own..." But rather I see it as a tribute, an Honor to my God, for whom I serve and have promised to serve for the entirity of my life. 1 Corinthains 6:20 "...you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." I live a fantastic life, my God has richly blessed me and I am so Thankful... Serving Him is the least I can do.
Do You Honor God with your actions? Your words? Your life? Your body?


".......For You have paid the price for me. With Your blood You ransomed me. I will serve You eternally. A free man I'll never be."

Relationships

There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy... like nailing jello to a tree for instance... -Lois Wyse-

I'm 20 years old. I've never been kissed. I've never gone walking in the rain. In all honesty... I've never celebrated an anniversary, I've never been on a date where I had to dress up in a pretty black dress. My longest relationship was 4 months. My shortest was 1 week. And I haven't dated steady in about 5 1/2 years.
So that's me and my dating life. Guys. I was content to stay to myself and wait for God to do his thing. He does things pretty well. And as I travelled around running errands this summer I happened to find some time to make a point to meet up with someone I considered a very good friend. But now, as summer is closing, I find him to be more to me than a friend. I really enjoy talking to him and getting to know more about him. I find that he makes me want to be a better person, a better christian, and more responsible. And he can make me laugh like no other!
I know in some instances I have gone to extenses to be a different person for various guys, I have immbellished who I am and who I wanted to be to fit who they wanted me to be and the type of person they were looking for. Which is wrong, and I never understood why I did it. Now I understand the importance of being who I am for the one who is looking for me. But in this case I'm completely myself because I didn't feel I should have to be someone else for anybody.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not." -Kurt Cobain-

But not being a big fan of long distance relationships, having had been in one. I find it strange to say that I feel like its worth it. To know the difference between explaining details of life and having that person face to face is a big deal. Shared experiences are important and forming a relational culture between you and the other person is important. And both are hard without a smaller amount of distance between you.
I don't have it all figured out. I don't know what I'm called to do outside of college and I can only pray I find the one my heart has been looking for.
Relationships are hard. They take time and nurturing. They take talking and listening, communication and making time for the other person. They take dedication. Commitment. Strength and weakness. Honoring eachother. Keeping your word. It takes the best you can give.

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." -Sylvia Buse-

I'm 20 years old. I want to go walking in the rain for fun. I want to have an occation to wear a pretty black dress. I look forward to celebrating an anniversary. I want to be able to say I had dated someone for a year or more. I want to experience that feeling people try to decribe in your stomach when you kiss someone you love. I want to kiss the one I love in the rain. I want to be held. I want to belong. I want to love.

I won't lie, when I get older and get married I have every intention of staying home with my kids. I am in college to get a degree I can depend on. I'll go get a job and do good things for me while I'm single, but as soon as I get married and have children, I have no intention of working. I guess I'm old fashioned that way. I only pray that God will bless me to have the means to do that.

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter" -James Earl-

Accidents

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes"
Oscar Wilde

Simple twists of fate, colliding lives, people who are brought together by a sudden impacting jolt so that both look up and see the other. Rather than passing by each other and saying their formal "Hello's" or sharing their friendly smiles, they are forced to speak and their worlds are irreversibly connected.
I am lost today. I started out on an average routine that I've done a hundred times, leave home, head to school, attend class, come home, help around the house, go to bed, wake up start again. Today was different. I started late, I normally wake up between 6 and 6:30, today I didn't get up and out of bed until 7:05. I rushed through my morning routine, forgetting to feed my fish and brush my teeth. I started on the wrong street and had to cross over to the other street, no big deal; I've done this before, just a couple more red lights and intersections. I head to school. I am driving and in following the cars in front of me, I pass my school, I make to turn around and go back on a different street because they're one way streets. I am getting closer to where I need to turn, I look up and see a yellow light, I don't have enough time to stop, I make to keep going and I see the light is red now and a car pulls in front of me, I slam on the breaks as hard as I can… and **BUMP**… I hit her back end. It wasn't hard but her car sweeps around to face the opposite direction and all of me begins to shake and my heart pounds in my head. I get out and ask her questions, I begin asking her over and over if she's ok, I am shaking so hard I can't stand still, her wheel is bent. I'm scared; this is not what was supposed to happen. I'm supposed to be at school printing things out for class. I'm supposed to be writing a paper. I'm not sure what to do. Someone who was there calls for the police to show up and we begin the process of getting out of the way of traffic and talking things out. The police take our statements and ask questions, I am really scared. I don't know what to do. I'm on my third year of driving, no accidents, no tickets, no driving record at all. What will happen? I call my dad and again start crying, this is such a horrible predicament I have ended up in. The other lady is fine, she's talking to the police, they're writing out the exchange of information sheet out, I give them my information and the officer tells us what to do. I get to school and I begin crying again. I call my mom and tell her the sad news, today is her birthday…. I feel awful!!! I feel all twisted inside like my organs took a vacation for where ever they felt like going and none of them are in the right place at all. My brain starts running through every possibility of what's going to happen. I am really scared and panicked about what is going to happen. This is not what today was supposed to be like. How did this happen?

"All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them."
Winston Churchill

I go to class and phone calls keep taking me out and people keep asking me questions, I don't want to be here right now either. I want to go home, crawl into bed and cry…. Maybe hide forever there… I have to call my Dad, I apologize over and over, he tells me to call my Mom. I call her and again apologize over and over. She tells me to relax and to go to class, she'll see me later. I go to class and explain to my teacher. I get a hug from a friend, I feel lost within myself… who's life am I living? Surely, it's not mine. I do not get into wrecks, I do not get called out of class to talk to the insurance agent or the victim. Class ends and I have to go talk to my advisor and friend about my classes for next year. I explain the craziness of this morning, he sympathizes with me and tries to crack a couple jokes, I don't laugh.

"I have learned that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt; while those who remain silent hurt more"
C.S. Lewis

I go home, I put the flowers I got for my Mom's birthday in a vase and we go look at the car and the damage and as we do that, my Dad pulls into the drive way. We all go back inside and as I sit I begin crying apologizing over and over. I am explained of the consequences… it's horrible what I've done… now the punishment - they're not as near as severe as I imagined, I feel horrible. I have disappointed them and myself. How can they still love me? This is a horrible mess. Will I ever climb out from under this?

"Many of us crucify ourselves between two theives, regret for the past and fear for the future"
Fulton Oursler

My mind runs away, what if there was a pedestrian? Or a bicyclist? Or a child? What if instead of hitting the breaks, I had gone full throttle into the other car? What if she had hit me? Would I have been injured badly? She would have hit me on the driver's side door. Sleep finds me, and I am lost with visions of car wrecks dancing in my mind all night long…

Does this ever end?.........

Cages

"Emotions are by nature, amorphous. When confined to words, our longing and passions, our rebellions and humiliations often seem melodramatic, trivial or even pathetic."
-Greg Isles-

I am so happy. My life is blissful. I am content and excited to be as I am. I do not fear change, nor do I push it away, I simply am at peace with where I am. My parents are great and have been over this past school year. They continue to encourage me only in good ways! In God's ways! And my spirit soars and dives and rolls through the air, exploding out from every space of sky there is. They show me a love different from what I normally know and it is God's love and it is deep, far deeper than I have ever imagined. It is amazing how different you see God when you step back for simply a moment and look on all you can see. My parents show me God's love in all they do, in their words I hear God guiding me, in their hugs I feel God's tight embrace, in their heartbeats I hear the love of God. It's so wonderful, I feel so often that God is reaching through them to show me something I did not see, or to simply love on a broken heart. I am so blessed!

And yet, in the shallow depths of my spirit, in my secret heart I am hurting. The wind that my spirit has soared on has been snuffed out and my wings are tired and I plummet to the ground. Lost from the open skies, left out somehow from the life I have and want. The quietness that fills the depths of me roars out and nothing can be heard. The trees whisper their soft lullabies trying to calm my racing heart, the sun wraps me tight in its warmth to snuff out the ice behind my eyes, the clouds try to create a soft bed for me to lye on but I am simply lost in myself. I feel contained within a secret war, one between freedom of space and time, one of love and compassion and then one where I am not heard, not listened to, one where the massive wings of my spirit are encompassed in a cage all too small and where deceit roams freely. Where I stand in the open, shattered and broken hearted, having my wings clipped in front of the whole world so I may never soar the openness again.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
1 Corinthians 10:13

These two tear me to pieces. I love being free up in the clouds soaring the world, and I hate feeling locked away, like I'm two totally different people. It hurts and it's wrong. And yet, this is my life. I am free and set to soar among the clouds when I am home, when I am loved on by all those who show me Christ in all they do. I hate being locked away in cages where I'm forced to be when I am pulled into a past I have long tried to escape. It grabs at my feet, pulling me back, forcing thoughts and ideas that aren't my own into my mind, causing me to doubt and fear. I simply want to be me. The Christ loving woman I have seen in the mirror from time to time. And yet, I will forever be contained here in the "in-between", where I am tested time and time again, tests that push me to edges I didn't want to venture to in the first place. I know God will take care of me and that He will never push me too far beyond my limits, He'll simply stretch them.

*Big Sigh* Its hard being stuck between two families. One that helps you grow in ways you can't even imagine and one that goes against everything that the other is teaching. Its tough, belonging to such a family and wanting to be apart of the one that is encouraging you in so many ways. Its like being stuck in the middle of a divorce… no fun and lots of pain. When does it get easier? Will the anvils stop plummeting into my heart? Oh, how I wish… that storks were not dyslexic.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Blessed

"Reflect upon your present blessingsof which every man has many, not on your past misfortunes of which all men ahve some"
Charles Dickens

I don't know when I was first blessed.

Maybe when I was only a couple weeks old and God helped the doctors and nurses know how to help me when I refused to eat. Maybe it was when I was hit and beat by my step-father when I was 5. Maybe when I was making the decision to run away and my sister convinced me we didn't have enough money to go any further than the Shell Station two blocks from our house around the time I was 8. It could have been when I was baptized after a great lesson from a wonderful Youth Group Leader, when I was 12. Perhaps, when I was13 or 14 and there was a tree between me on the four wheeler and the raging river on the other side of the embankment when I accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake. Perhaps, it was when I discovered what was going on in my house and made the decision to leave as soon as possible. Maybe when I was 16 and decided it would be more fun to continue ROTC in my High School instead of making worse decisions like having sex with my boyfriend like all my friends were doing. When I was 17 and I got a flyer about a college in Portland Oregon… perhaps. Maybe it was the girl I met there that became my room mate when I decided that Cascade was for me. Maybe it was when my best friend dated a guy I liked to help me realize that I didn't like him that much after all. Maybe it was when my two friends took me to the church that became my home. Maybe it was when I made the greatest friend I ever could have made and decided that confiding in him and sharing tough stuff with him was alright because he'd help me sort through it and see God's will in it all. Maybe it was when I adopted a family I got to know at the church I went to. Maybe it was when that family adopted me right back. Maybe all those things strengthened me for what was to come. To be strong to bless them, an in turn be blessed.

All I know is that I am indeed blessed and these are just a few of the blessings I have. I couldn't match all my blessings to the stars…. I'd simply run out of stars. But the greatest blessing I have is Christ. The second is the family I have that cares so much. Recently I have had the opportunity to be the shoulder and I am glad I can return the favor. Life puts some strange things in the mix, I'm just glad that God is there to sort it all out.

"God, who foresaw your tribulation,has especially armed you to go through it, not without pain, but without stain"
C.S. Lewis
This year, I have been so blessed; I have so many people who have taken time to make sure I'm doing what I need to do. My Jeathro, my cosmically connected buddy, my Mom and Dad, my many sisters and brothers, my church family and I am constantly reminded here at this school. This place where God comes alive in everyone in everything they say and do,
"It is not the job that makes the person, but rather the person that makes the job."
Natasha Kippenhan
Each person in my life plays a special role and, I think that if the philosopher was right and we are all merely actors on a stage, then if one person were not there, the play would fall apart. For in my life, each person with their own unique abilities and talent, they make the play what it is.

"God loves us the way we are, but too much to leave us that way."
Leighton Ford
God has blessed my life and I am so thankful. I deserve so much less and yet he has seen to it that I found exactly what I need; the best family, the best home, the best state, the best School, the best people. I am without want. I am content. I am satisfied. There is nothing more…. Except maybe that my fish live….

May God bless you in all you do and may you find his blessings today in all you see. May you look not through the eyes of want, but through the eyes of your heart, the heart of a servant. The heart of your most High God, the Father of the most High Christ. And may you see what he sees… it will surprise you.

"God does not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas, but for scars."
Elbert Hubbard
In His Love
Divinely Favored ~

Fishes...

These are my fish, Monet and Linneah. I got them about a week ago. They're so cute. Sadly, Linneah died 2 days after I had them. They came from Walmart and are gold fish... most likely feeder fish so it wasn't a big shock, but they are pretty cute! Monet is pretty big and a real eater. I'm excited cuz now I have a pet!!! Now I can also kind of understand why people like fish, you can talk to them and they listen. They're pretty good company, not that they talk back, but you know something else is there with you and you can take care of them. Its pretty kool. So thats my fish. God was pretty creative if you think about it! Monet is pretty... just your average gold fish but have you ever thought about what it would be like if we didn't have color? Orange is a pretty awesome color.

That's all I've got. Take care and have a blessed day!!!

~~~<3